These Were Terrible...

Bring 2-ply for these messes.

I love movies!  Except for the ones that I hate.  

This year I watched 248 movies and my average rating was a C+ which falls in line with me being a self proclaimed movie optimist. I tend to like a lot of what I see even if I don't necessarily love it.  Before I get to what wowed me this year let's start with what didn't.  Numbers 10-6 of the worst pieces of manure I had the misfortune of paying 12.00 to see. Remember it goes from bad to badder so it get steadily worse as the list goes on.

I would never say avoid any movie.  I would say value your time and if you do watch any of these, bring toilet paper and be ready for shit.

10.  Silent House

                The first preview I saw for this made this seem like a tense thriller; a tale of survival against psychotic interlopers.   The second played up the supernatural element and I thought it could be ghosts or demons the young woman is trapped with inside her home.  I was eager for either and instead I got a big monkey turd of a "horror" film which consists of Elizabeth Olsen running from room to room from...something.  The camera doesn't show this "something" which is supposed to build suspense but after a while that becomes annoying as you realize the filmmakers have no idea what they're doing.  They set up a "mystery" with no other clues or hints at what that "something" could be so they have no possibility of making the reveal satisfying.   Much of it is also filmed in close up so we see zoomed in shots of Olsen's face as she cries, presumably because she's so scared.  So it's like that one scene in blair witch project except for 80 minutes. Doesn't that sound grand? (sarcastic text)

09. Step Up: Revolution

                I took the time to write a long scathing review of this insipid dance movie instead of the 8 character tweet it deserved (#moronic).  That only reveals how much I did actually care for me to get so agitated.  Call me naive that I hoped a movie with dancing would be entertaining.  The plot is about an attractive young annoying couple dub stepping their way to solving the world's socioeconomic problems.  They're the "heroes" versus the big bad corporation threatening to take over their neighborhood.  Of course they don't stop to consider the reason they are free to run around and dance all the time is because they're parents actually work for these corporations and pay the bills.  What pretentious nonsense.  By an hour in, I was ready to climb into a bulldozer and tear down their hood myself.

08.  The Possession

                The twist on this exorcist knock off is that the demon is Jewish, which means we get an orthodox rabbi versus a priest.  That's probably the only slighly original detail of this movie.  Other than that there are the traditional squeaky noises, possessed children, and ominous music playing in the background.  And also cgi insects which look so fake there's more than a subtle whiff of "Saturday night on Syfy" here.   Jeffrey Dean Morgan still can't quite find a role that suits him and is now officially the poor man's Gerard Butler.  Unfortunately for him Gerard Butler is on the way down too so he better pick better projects and quick.

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07 .   Lockout

                This very European action film starring Guy Pierce takes place in a space prison and plays more like a skit of a terrible action movie.  Unfortunately for us it's a full length terrible action movie with cliche one-liners and stupid action sequences.   I thought this could be "so bad it's good," but it's just bad.   By the way what I mean by European is that the cast is full of like 2 Americans and then 50 other Belgians or Russians (or something) badly hiding their accents.

06 .   Gone

                This movie was so boring I wished it took place in a space prison.  Then at least there would be something to catch my interest on screen. As it stands this takes place on earth in a dreary/ foggy place I believe was Seattle.  The dreariness extends to the plot as we get a sister searching for her kidnapped younger sibling who was taken by the man who took her years ago.  Got all that? Sound compelling?  Well it isn't because nothing the main character does while on the hunt for her sister is interesting.  She lurks around chasing clues and suspects and somehow doing nothing particularly memorable.   Everyone thinks she's crazy but the audience knows better.  Actually not really or else we would be watching something else.

I'm told this is pretty close to what I look like.

And then there were 5...teribble films.  So here you go, numbers 5-1 of the awfulest motion pictures of 2013.  I watched them, so you don't have to.

05.  Silent Hill: Revelation 3D

                Somewhere in development hell there must be a good sequel to 2006's scary and effective original and it just got changed and delayed so much everything went to hell.  This is something I choose to believe because I can't believe that anyone would wait so long to put out this scattershot, badly written, badly acted, and un scary mess. 

                The plot picks up several years after the original where the daughter of the two protagonists is forced back to Silent Hill to save her father.  Along the way she encounters weird looking monsters who wear tight rubber and plastic.  This makes me think the whole film is some writer's very vivid S&M fantasy.  I wish somebody had told me the safety word because I suffered and believe me it wasn't enjoyable. 

                 The plot is complete nonsense only made worse when the movie stops several times to try to explain it MORE.   That just makes the lapses in logic more noticeable ("umm... you know that thing that was said 10 minutes ago that didn't quite make sense? well here's 10 minutes more of backstory.  And the real reason this is happening? Magic...Evil magic")

                I did get a kick out of the 3D because I find bad movie making can be offset somewhat by objects awkwardly thrown at the screen at random times, but other than that I can't say I enjoyed myself.  I did eat some popcorn that was good. When that's the most memorable part of the movie going experience, that's probably not a good sign.

04.  Anna Karenina

                This is the only movie on the worst list that appears on some "best" lists I've seen.  I have no earthly idea how that could be.  This divide between what is so clearly bad and what the critics think is top notch quality drama is the reason people don't trust critics.  If you've seen both then read a review where  he cerebral super hero drama The Dark Knight Rises gets a lower grade than Anna Karenina which is based on a long Russian novel and stars Keira Knightly and is also long and mind numbingly boring, then you completely dismiss that person's opinion for future.

                The real truth is that this film is terrible.  The protagonist is completely un-relatable, unlikeable and underwritten;  The relationship between the two main lovers is not romantic, it's dull;  The betrayed husband, Jude Law, is a cuckholded wimp who you want to tell to "cowboy up" and ditch the cheating Knightly and when he doesn't you lose all respect for him.  Some of these problems maybe are from the source material but that doesn't excuse the lack of chemistry between the two leads have or that it's filmed as a play for no good reason.  That comes off as distracting and desperate; the film trying very hard to be creative and engaging.  It's neither, and if any critic says otherwise don't believe him.  Instead, believe this guy who's trying to save you time and money: avoid at all costs.

03.  The Apparition

                I swear to you guys there are some good horror movies out there. This wasn't particularly a great year for them but that just means the bar for 2013 is very low.  2012, however, brought us this mess.

  The plot involves an evil ghost which is released into the world by some obnoxious college students who get killed in the first 5 minutes.  That might have been interesting to watch but the movie mostly takes place months when that same ghost (excuse me, APPARITION... doesn't that sound fancy?) stalks a young pretty woman.  She lives in a house with her boyfriend and weird stuff starts happening like she starts to smell things, and parts of her house start to rot, and doors start shutting.  So as you can tell it's absolutely terrifying.

                This film is more boring than Anna Karenina and there's no source material to blame.  This is a horror movie with no horror in it and a plot that isn't developed at all until the last 20 minutes at which time you don't care.  Oy vey this was bad.  But let's think positive.   Only one way to go from here in the new year, right? 

02.  The Collection

                Previous films on the list have been idiotic and boring, sometimes both.   But no film is as ugly as The Collection.  Contrary to what you may suspect, that doesn't mean it stars Mickey Rourke.  It means the movie is cynical, violent, and has no redeeming qualities.   Now, I am a horror fan which means I love violence and gore but only used within the telling of a compelling story.  The violence in this movie, a lot of it against pretty young women, seems to be coming from a darker place that skeeves me out.  It's 90 minutes of people falling victims to booby traps set by a masked assailant who inflicts pain for pain's sake.  There are only so many decapitations and brutal stabbings I can take before I start to get numb to it all  And maybe me getting numb to it isn't a great thing...

01.  One For The Money

                Speaking of pain, this movie hurt my brain.  It stars Katherine Heigl, an actress who once admitted to Entertainment Weekly she has a "PR Problem" because people think she's unlikeable.  I would second that because I absolutely fu****g hate her.  She comes off as condescending and fake in all roles she plays.   Much like I am always aware I am watching Tom Cruise, I am always aware I'm watching Heigel.  Except I like Cruise and Heigl not so much.

                Besides her, the plot of this movie is so stupid.  She plays a down-on-her luck and out of work New Yorker who decides on a whim she can be a bounty hunter to make extra money.   And hilariously (not), her ex boyfriend is the one she goes after.  As you can imagine those two crazy kids don't get along and hilarity ensues! 

                I swear I've seen this movie before when it was called THE BOUNTY HUNTER and starred Jennifer Anisten.  That movie wasn't any good either but it had the likeable Anisten who didn't have to speak in an obviously fake accent to come off as down-to-earth.   Plus that title at least made sense.  "One for the money" seems like a way to fu** the audience with Heigl taking their money and winking at them as if to say "yeah this is a crappy movie.  I did this one for the money."